• Tibor Kljajic

Torture Visualised #1

Bad films. They're a staple of cinema. Some films have the gracious luxury of being "so bad they're good" which is a good safety net for the filmmakers after they've made their stinking pile of horseshit. But that's not what this is about. We're looking at films that are bad. There are little to no redeeming factors of these diseased leftovers of human excrement and they only serve to infuriate, aggravate and insult the watcher. So here we go, let's delve into the films that, by all means and purposes, are torture visualised on film.



#10 F*&% the Prom (2017)-1.5/5

Maddy and Cole were inseparable friends until high school started and Maddy became the most popular girl on campus. When she starts feeling lonely and heartbroken, she reconnects with Cole and the duo conspire to destroy the ultimate teen popularity contest

This wasn't as terrible as I thought it would. The first act is cancerous, don't get me wrong, but this film slowly progressed.


The acting on the whole is pretty solid. The story at certain points is... okay? That's about it. I laughed a few times, half the times at the film itself because of it being bad, but sometimes because it was actually funny. The Maddy girl seemed to just be a B-Tec Vanessa Hudgens but that's not to say she wasn't decent. The Cole guy was an okay actor. Now to talk about the bad stuff.


This film is so intentionally insulting to so many demographics that I felt attacked on a second-hand basis. Most notably in the recruitment montage. It's anti-Semitic with how the school-kids treat the Jewish boy. It's homophobic in how the kids treat the gay jock. It's ableist to the kid with the stutter and the kid who sweats. And it gets relatively illegal with the girl having her nudes leaked. I know school can be tough, but this shit doesn't happen to this degree. I don't know, I'm British. Americans are fucked up so I assume their schools are equally as insane. There is so much reference to doing illegal stuff in this film, holy hell. The Principal advocates rape. The Jewish kid is put on the sex offenders list. Cole's dad is the most paedophilic person put to screen. These teenagers are posting nudes willy-nilly. Just so many crimes.


The script is abysmal. That's not completely true. When Cole is speaking with his dad, it's actually relatively amusing. When Maddy is speaking with her parents, it's also relatively amusing. Other than that, this script is horrendous. The Fine Bros, despite spending all their time with kids and teenagers, have no idea how high school students speak. I'm sick of fourty-year-old adults writing scripts meant for teenagers. They never work. So yeah, the script is bad. The story generally stinks. The characters flip-flop so much. My favourite character is City, but she kinda loses credit when she decides to go with Kane (why I am speaking like I care, I don't). Next!


#9 Secret Obsession (2019)-1.5/5

Newlywed Jennifer is brutally attacked at a dark rest stop. While healing from her injuries, she can’t recall anything from her past, including the ordeal. Her husband, Russell , is just thankful she’s alive and eager to get her home. Suddenly things turn out to be much more sinister

This film is trying so hard to be Misery and it's actually sad. Misery is one of my all-time favourite films and books so to see this terrible copy is genuinely painful.


Nothing in this film really works. The acting is atrocious, the lighting is painful, the script is abysmal, the story is dull. It's just bad, and worse, it's boring. The only reason this is one and a half stars and not half a star is because Brenda Song is beautiful and the scenes with the detective are the best.


The story is so stupid. Everything essentially rode on her forgetting everything. He had to rely on her having amnesia, he just so happened to photoshop his face on all her family photos, no-one went to check up on the house, and so much other stuff that was just so stupid. She just happened to have her surname tattooed on her back?! Who does that? Why did he drive the white pick-up truck to the hospital? Why did he leave his wallet for Brenda Song to find? Why did he dig the grave two feet away from the house? Why could she hear his digging but he couldn't hear her calling out to him? Why didn't he used handcuffs on her foot instead of a metal string she could easily pull away from? Why did he leave the lighter there for her to use to escape with? Why did he make his password her full real name? Why why why? So many questions.


This film is painfully predictable. From the first shot of the killer, I knew it was the fake Russell. This Russian guy came for two seconds and then just disappeared forever. What? Where did he go? What was his use? To act as a red herring? It didn't work geniuses.


Brenda Song's acting is atrocious. She is getting chained up and she's looking frantically all around her. Like no, that's not what someone would do in that situation. You would be flailing about trying to resist. Not looking around like you just got out of twenty-three year coma.


What was really insulting was that I am studying History and I have more medical knowledge than the geniuses behind this film. The doctor at the start shines a light on her eye but he shines it on the iris, not her pupil, so he would have no idea whether she was unconscious or not because we see no dilation. They then use defibrillators on her... but on her shirt. She would catch on fire from that. When you use defibrillators you always need to do it on bare skin with a special cream so as not to burn the patient. And regardless they do it on her neck so she would be super dead after that. She also manages to walk on her foot pretty well for someone who just destroyed it. When she fell down the stairs of her house after being left alone she would have passed out from the pain, not get up like nothing happened. When she is pulling her foot from the chain that has locked her, she would also pass out from that pain because she had to break her foot to achieve that. Which would also mean that she would not even rest on it, let alone continue to limp. If she is still limping three months later like the film suggests, then she would not even be able to get out of bed five days after the accident, let alone limp at the speed of Bolt.


#8 The Silence (2019)-1.5/5

With the world under attack by deadly creatures who hunt by sound, a teen and her family seek refuge outside the city and encounter a mysterious cult

First time this year I couldn't finish a film. I stopped it just after the deaf girl signed "I know how to live in silence", coz I knew the bullshit cliches were just about to start.

From the start, I could tell this wasn't gonna be good. The beginning scene was stupid and was so typical of G-list horror flicks. The opening credit scene was stolen straight from World War Z (a horror film that did this concept much better than this piece of garbage and World War Z is a zombie film). Stanley Tucci sucks here along with most of the other cast. The script is stupid and is so meticulously tailored to make it so that the main girl is deaf but only recently so that she can still talk and not have to make the whole cast actually learn ASL. A specific thing that I found funny was when the deaf girl mentioned how the vesps (the monsters) clawed at the same place. That's not some character trait of the monsters, darling, it's because the company that made this film didn't have the budget to create more scratches on the windows. Why was there a slow-mo with the dog being removed from the car? I'd snap the dog's throat if it wasn't gonna aid as a trap for the vesps to follow and lure attention away from me. The vesps are also stupid because we're immediately shown what they look like (looks like someone didn't listen to rule 1 of making an actually scary horror film). Fuck this swill, go watch A Quiet Place instead.


#7 My Teacher, My Obsession (2018)-1/5

Riley is struggling to make friends after transferring to a new high school where her father, Chris, is an English teacher. When she meets Kyla, they quickly becomes close friends. However, the friendship takes a strange turn when Riley learns that Kyla is obsessed with her dad

As the legend Freds Mercs said: 'Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?'

Nothing in this film follows real-life scenarios. Now I was beyond ill when I watched this so I can't remember much, but from what I could recall, let's account how this film makes no sense.


->No one in their right state of mind would date their student's mother! Consider a much better film: 17 Again. That guy pretending to be Zac Efron's dad and the teacher could not go out for obvious reasons and it didn't work before it even started. So not only would that scenario never happen, but you wouldn't have the goddamn date at their house and then invite the student who's mum you want to fuck join in on the goddamn date what THE FUC--

->Before I could forget about it, I emphasised the scalpel. Dear god the scalpel. "Yes, not only am I gonna break every single rule in the hospital rule book and leave a dangerous instrument in this teenager's room, I'm gonna leave it in the room of someone who everyone is clearly labelling as psychotic." Also, what the fuck is the scalpel doing in a patient's room?! They belong in surgery you idiots.

->Why is the girl so obsessed with this teacher? Someone honestly tell me. Sure he's hot as hell, but other than that...? Just seems like an unnecessary amount of trouble for nothing, I don't know.

->Cliches: the film is a cliche. She's a photographer. The teacher is stunning. The teacher's daughter is friends with the photographer. It's all just so basic.

->The script is stupid. These teenagers (note: TEENAGERS) talk in a way no-one speaks like. That really jarred me.

I genuinely couldn't remember more because I was so goddamn sleep-deprived, but let's mention some good aspects. This film is shot well, admittedly. The camera angles and shit, the use of colour, I don't know, it worked. Did I say good aspects? I meant good aspect, the rest are mediocre at best.


#6 Deadly Detention (2017)-1/5

Five archetypal teens serving detention find themselves in a life or death situation. In order of photo: Barrett, Jessica, Lexie, Kevin, Taylor (not shown), and Ms Presley (not shown)

You know what it was like watching this "film"? It was like watching a school play organised by girls who wear skirts that don't exist and where the actors learned their lines two minutes before they started rolling. The goddamn pauses where no-one said anything made me think that they had no idea what was going on. And for good reason.

I legitimately pointed out 97 flaws when watching this. Unironically. I wrote them all down along the way and hopefully you can get the gist of what's going on from my rambled notes.


-how can the principal break into the student's phone and start mentally wanking over his pics? -you're telling me that Barrett the jock just conveniently leaves his phone without a password? in this day and age? -whose brilliant idea was it to not only not cancel detention altogether, but to hold it in a prison for the criminally insane? -the music; this is a consistent criticism, the music is goddamn atrocious; it didn't fit and it was jarring -students would literally be eviscerated if they spoke the way that Lexi did to the principal -whose stylistic decision was it to have five minutes to establish the fact that the principal and Kyle are clean freaks (a factor that is immediately forgotten) -who is Barrett interested in?; not that I care, but have some consistency -why is this during the day?; I know that it's necessary to the story as you wouldn't have detention during night, but you could have had them locked in for hours and then begun the terrors, would've added something -now I may be crazy, but I would have thought that if your principal (or even a human being) was screaming for their life and begging for help, you'd not only help her, but you'd goddamn react to the fact! -you know what's sad? not only did they not have enough of a budget to show the blood seeping under the door, but it looked like they used water for the trail that the principal left (Presley, that's her name, forgot) -skater-girl can't skate for shit; what's the point of having a skateboard if you don't use it and it's not important in any way to the plot? -Kyle is playing a gay character to the point that it's laughable; it's like he watched Dallas Buyers Club and thought Rayon x10 was how he was supposed to act (DBC is one of my favourite films and it sickens me to compare it to this travesty (also, I know Rayon is a transgender female, it's just the best example I could think of)) -why is Barrett's first thought of the weapon that the killer will have is a blowtorch? -so Taylor is established as the quiet girl but then immediately becomes the most talkative out of the bunch as soon as she speaks for the first time? -why are all the doors locking for scary effect?; they could have easily ran when all the doors were open -wouldn't someone notice Presley being carried away?; how could the killer get away quickly enough to remove Presley and also operate the intercom and the doors? -why didn't Presley immediately run away when she realised that the kids weren't gonna let her in? -why didn't Presley run away in the first place and call the police on her phone? -why didn't Presley just stay with the kids from the first moment? -how is it that Jessica can be a suck-up, in detention, and be flirting with Barrett? -also, what's this with Jessica and Barrett acting like they're a thing or something? -who cares about their beer bash? -who squats down to pick up their skateboard? -Bible reading->Bible speaking->Bible sniffing -overacting; I mean, there's overacting throughout but I guess it was this point in my notes that it was worse than usual -so many long unnecessary shots, especially when they're just tryna open doors +'They can't all be locked'-Jessica: they can buddy, you're in a prison -you know, when I see a dead body, I act completely blasé about it too -what? there's a killer on the loose? gotta say a eulogy first though; might as well turn this funeral into mine -her eulogy; it's goddamn awful -the kiss of life bit where Lexi mounts this guy; how do you direct that?: "Orite sweetheart, so what I'm gonna need from you is to mount this guy, arch your back and snog him back to life. Think you can 'andle that beautiful? 'Course you can. ACTION!" -the killer is asking them to move, so what do they do? they huddle coz did you know? the sports girl does sports; I know, shocking -why are they sliding against the wall?; it's making them slower and it won't help them in any way -it would literally be impossible for a girl of Jessica's reputation to not only get into detention, but to also get into detention on pure conjecture and rumour +'I punched her'-Taylor: there's a killer on the loose and you're shocked the weird girl punched someone?; grow up -the aerial shots; occasionally the film pans to an aerial shot of the prison... in broad daylight...; genius -the lights are flickering; how imaginative in a horror film -why do they keep going through the doors that killer is telling them to go through? -why do they go into the door that the killer opened for them as they're running away from him? -this was a common confusion: how did the killer control the doors and manage to chase them at the same time?; it's stuff like that that made me think there was more than one bad guy +'My hat'-Kyle: Kyle offers his hat to stop the gas; yes that's really gonna make a difference Kyle, you're a hero -gas... they're getting a bit choked by gas; how can that be part of the killer's plan; what satisfaction can he get from that? -the girls are so over-sexualised: Lexi by default and Jessica as soon as she takes off her top and crawls with her back arched -again: how many killers are there? the stick is puncturing at different places and the editing makes it seem that the attacks going for Kyle and the attacks going for Taylor are different -how did Taylor get injured by that stick?; wouldn't it just hit her a bit or...?; why didn't she just stand up? -why didn't she take off her shoe?!; if she's stuck, I'd've thought it'd be more wasteful losing your life than your trainer -why and how did they all fall?; this is a prison, the ceiling isn't made of paper -you don't fall unconscious from falling two and a half metres +'I think I broke my coccyx'-Barrett; *while laughing* 'Stupid'-Lexi; bitch why are you laughing coz he said coccyx, he's in pain you witch -there is literally two minutes of just back and forth from Barrett & Lexi and Jessica & Kyle just recovering; so goddamn loooooong -takes J & K three days for them to realise that they need to run from the homicidal maniac -Barrett not only has alcohol, but decides that this is a good time to take it out and drink it -14 whole seconds of Barrett and Lexi looking at each other in silence; the time of silence in general is much longer, but that's how long it's spent looking at each other, it's almost impressive -the renowned slut doesn't immediately start kissing Barrett -there is a sex scene... of course there is -Barrett is sporting the most luminescent pink pants I've ever seen -while Jessica and Kyle are running away, they encounter a dead end; do they turn back and run some more? nope, Jessica gives up and starts crying like a bitch +'Scared? No, that's for the weak'-Jessica; I mean, as if this film wasn't already filled with clichés +we're gonna die in about 'five minutes'-Jessica; if you have that much time thEN START FUCKING RUNNING!!! -Jessica has daddy issues and feels as if she's not making him proud; did somebody say cliché? +'Wanna do it again?'-Barrett; Barrett is a slut +in response: 'Hashtag YOLO'-Lexi: in 2017 -when we're in the perspective of the killer, why is it he's holding the stick like we're in a Skyrim POV -he goes into the room where Jessica and Kyle are and doesn't see how obviously not hidden they are -Jessica and Kyle leave the room they were safe in -when running away, Kyle decides to just leave Jessica, for literally no reason -how can Barrett and Lexi be going for a second round when Lexi's shorts are on?; not tryna be a perv, but I would've thought that that would be a lot of effort for someone who's focused a lot on having sex with this guy +'You're so freakin' hot'-Barrett: hello my fellow millennials, I do the sex too -the mess hall scene; can't even talk about it, it's just something you have to see +'Haters gonna hate, but Barrett's always great'-Barrett: that's a line of dialogue, genuinely: give me the sweet release of death -they leave him in the mess hall; that went down well +'He just wanted to die hot'-Jessica: said super seriously; she's more distraught about the fact that he died against his wishes than that he died +'He's gonna be pissed'-Lexi; 'He's dead, Lexi'-Jessica; 'Ghost pissed, Jessica, I'm not stupid'-Lexi: speaks for itself -they keep asserting that the killer is a guy; I thought it was a girl at first coz the voice on the intercom sounded so feminine; also, women can be killers too, #equality -Jessica's get hyped "Be The Best" dance -two drops of blood=Kyle is dead; perfect deduction there Sherlock +'Principal Chicken Snot'-Lexi: aren't I terrified of this hard-ass -the killer rushes into the room with the speaker, gives the worst delivered line in film history and rushes out -we saw that he was following them before, so how did he somehow walk away, lose them, and get to the room with the intercom without passing them or being caught? -Lexi casually checks Jessica's chest out when she peers through the window, the sly vixen -ooh, surprise surprise, the mad killer is the driver; who'd've thought that the only other person introduced in the film was the killer; I am flabbergasted -why did Lexi jump on the driver, why not stab him with the fork you have? -how did Jessica actually die?; the gate closes but not with near enough force to destroy her skull -why does the driver bring Lexi into the room?; why not just kill her? -why did the driver leave the fire extinguisher in arms distance of Lexi? -why doesn't Lexi hit/attack the driver while he's looking at his shrine? +'Do you know how hard it is to sneak 50 opossums into a public high school?'-the driver: best fucking line of this film +'narcissistic hateful brats'-the driver: how were Kyle, Jessica and Taylor hateful brats?! +'Man, I wish I brought some popcorn to this show'-the driver -why is a hall cop driving the bus?; what is a hall cop? -what is this guy's motivation?; coz from what I heard (his daughter being bullied), it's pretty weak -I'm not insane, right, this guy is displaying some Oedipus Complex for his daughter, right? -he starts randomly singing -his badge isn't even sewn on properly -so the driver didn't want anyone to know that he was his daughter's father, but was pissed at Lexi for not knowing that he had a daughter? -how did Lexi not figure out that the guy who owned the shrine of her best friend was her father? -why are all the deaths not shown?; it's boring with no gore


Sorry if that was a bit erratic and nonsensical, they're based off notes I wrote while I watched this garbage. I will say why this film is one star though, and not half a star: the last four minutes (including the credits, I'm not giving this film more credit than it deserves)


Because this film can't decide whether or not it's being serious or not, to have a genuinely funny ending that ended with a twist I wasn't seeing was pretty dope. I thought it would be Taylor that saved Lexi, so that was an unprecedented but welcoming surprise when Presley came to save the day. Them talking as they leave is genuinely great: 'Assembly's gonna be really depressing Monday morning'-Presley. Now that's what this film should have been about, not the weird boring shit before.


#5 Detainment (2018)-1/5

Two ten year-old boys are detained by police under suspicion of abducting and murdering a toddler. A true story based on interview transcripts and records from the James Bulger case which shocked the world in 1993

This film is repulsively ignorant.

Why does this exist? What point is being attempted to be made? If Lambe, the director, wanted to create a short film about the treatment of young offenders, maybe do that with a fictional story as opposed to one of the most disgusting and controversial murder cases in history. The fact that the Academy even acknowledged this film is truly sickening and disheartening. Aside from the abysmal directing, poor editing and generally bad acting, the story itself should excuse this film from being nominated by the most prestigious award show. The fact that James Bulger's mother advocated against the making of this film just makes it that much more appalling. Lambe is attempting to make the audience sympathise with these sadistic murderers. America might not acknowledge that as much as us Britons, but for someone to try make us sympathise with Venables and Thompson is simply unspeakable. Aside from the acting from the boy who plays Venables, this film is disgusting and should never have been made.


#4 SPF-18 (2017)-1/5

18-year-old Penny Cooper spent years pining for Johnny Sanders Jr., but when a mysterious musician shows up on the beach, Penny is torn

This movie is ass. There are two redeeming factors of this film. The fact that Camilla got with Noah Centineo, and Keanu Reeves. Reeves has about five seconds of screen time, and he delivers the only funny line in this whole film.


The acting is terrible. Everyone is absolutely shite at acting. Noah Centineo looks like he wants to kill himself. The main girl has no charisma and has no grounds to be dating someone who has more confidence and everything than her. The girl who plays Camilla is absolutely stunning, but unfortunately she's the second worst actor there. The worst actor is the musician guy. Holy shit he is boring.


The story is boring and stupid. "Hey lifeguard you killed my dad" "Want me to teach you surfing?" "Shit negro, that's all you had to say.". I don't give a shit about anyone other than Camilla. The lifeguard is supposed to be the same age as Noah Centineo's dad but looks thirty. He's also supposed to have been hooked on roids so he must be tiny as hell (good luck Pamela Anderson, who for some reason is in this film). They mention YouTube but have to put a fake version in the film? Recording company's don't send out cease and desists, especially not in these circumstances. It's like if you recorded a band at a concert, the company wouldn't fucking sue you. The most they could do is steal your revenue, that's it. Plus, the video only has 2000 views, chill.


I don't know. This film sucks and I'm failing to see the whole bonanza that circles Noah Centineo.


#3 Romina (2018)-1/5

A shocking assault inspires horrific violence when a group of teens encounters a girl from their school while camping in a remote spot

It really disappoints me to rank this film the same ranking as Kim Possible, coz at least Kim Possible was entertaining. If I drank the entire time there was a nature shot, I wouldn't be sober til 2035. Holy fuck this film is incompetent. The acting is just bad. The effect the director chose where they would slow the nature shot by half to make it last longer was so cool, it really made me want to watch this piece of human excrement that much more. Whoever was the camera person needs to be fucking executed. I didn't even know what these people looked like until half way through the film because the camera work was so shit. Also, here's a little tip: CLEAN YOUR FUCKING CAMERA. It was so goddamn dirty it made me want to slit my throat.


The story makes no sense. The guy with the swimming trunks is essentially beckoned by this girl to have sex. So what does he do? What any reasonable person would do obviously. He rapes her. It's not like she looked him dead in the eye and took her shirt off. Also, why did she kill everyone. I get why she would kill the rapist and Ramon, but why everyone? Plus, if the guy hadn't raped her, would she have still killed everyone? That guy seemed to be in on the whole thing, so was the rape just something that just so happened to happen. Why did she kill the girlfriend of the guy who was in on it? If anything, she was defending Romina. I'm so confused and after watching mostly nature shots for an hour and fifteen minutes, I think I'd rather kill myself than think about this film any longer.


No genre is adhered to, the comedy is stale, the filmmaking is embarrassing, and my brain is bored out of its fucking mind.


#2 The Emoji Movie (2017)-0.5/5

Gene, a multi-expressional emoji, sets out on a journey to become a normal emoji

I paid money to see this. When this came out, I paid money to see it. Why? We'll never know, but I think we can all collectively agree that this monstrosity has no reason to exist.


Aside from the fact that this trash-fire exists, let's list some small reasons that make this film as insultingly bad as it is:

1. So many poop jokes Farts and poops are not funny, can we please stop acting like they are. When you have to rely on poop jokes to get a laugh, you have failed as a human being and shouldn't continue as a living person.

2. Continuity

How did the hand thing that scans the emojis destroy the whole construction and then later on everything is fixed? Why did everyone get pissed off at Gene in the first place.

3. Millions of fucking emojis

There are aerial shots of Textopolis. The place is HUGE. So who works at the text app then? Who gets chosen? If there are so many emojis, do they have a rota?

4. The text app

Show me one child (child) in this day and age who texts their mates? I can't remember the last time I had to text someone unless it was absolutely needed.

5. Stupidity

As they leave the virus app, Jailbreak leads them to a tunnel. And yet she is super surprised when they find out they've landed in Candy Crush. Wouldn't she know it led there?

6. Manpeating

/man'piːtɪŋ/

verb

The act of a man repeating what a woman says as his own idea and is applauded for doing so.

This is not a thing. Repeating someone's idea as your own is a legit comedy trope and can be found in pieces such as The Lion King of all places. So High-Five repeating your idea is not manpeating Jailbreak, don't be a baby.

7. The Just Dance App

The terrific trio must go to the Just Dance App to be able to go to the Dropbox app. Okay... why? Why couldn't they just leave and then walk into the app? You wanna know why? Coz Just Dance gave them too much money so they needed a ten-minute scene of these dumb-ass characters dancing. End my suffering.

8. Jailbreak is a princess emoji

Spoiler alert. So throughout the whole film Gene and High-Five are teasing Jailbreak about how she can call birds by whistling and she gets pissed saying that that is a stereotype. But… at the end she calls the bird (the Twitter bird because you needed another slap in the face). SO WHAT WAS THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF TRAVELLING ALL THIS MUCH IF SHE COULD HAVE JUST CALLED THE BIRD AND TRAVEL THE PHONE IN LIKE TWO SECONDS?!

9. The real life Everytime the emojis interfere with apps in the phone it messes up the phone in reality. So in the Candy Crush app the app sounds play. In the Spotify app the music plays. What? Even if we were trying to base this in a standard of reality, that doesn’t even make any sense.

10. The firewall To pass the firewall, they need to enter the password. High-Five mentions an email that had his emoji in it. So wait. He hasn’t been used by the user in weeks; he was used in this email; and the trash is disposed of everyday? You see my problem here?

11. The Cloud To reprogram Gene and High-Five they have to go to the Cloud. But… why? That should be the tagline of this film. “But… why?”. Why did they need to go to the Cloud to hack? Isn’t that counter-intuitive?

12. Gene is a bitch

Gene finally becomes the Meh emoji he was meant to be because he was rejected by Jailbreak. What a fucking pussy.

13. Jailbreak’s inconsistency She jeopardised the whole mission in the Just Dance app because she couldn’t dance. And now when she needs to call the Twitter bird, she can ballerina her little ass, what?!

14. Deletion The user decides to delete his phone. He stops it just as it gets to Gene. So the whole phone should have been wiped permanently because you can’t recover something that has been wiped, that’s impossible.


All in all, this film is absolute ass. But one solace we can take from this film, is that it isn’t as bad as Swiped.


#1 Swiped (2018)-0.5/5

James, a college freshman and computer genius, is enlisted by his womanizing roommate, Lance, to code the ultimate hook-up app. But when James discovers that his divorced mother is using the app, unexpected consequences ensue

This film makes me want to join an extremist cult, just so they can find out I'm a fake and proceed to torture me. I don't think I can feel pain after this experience.

R E L A T A B I L I T Y. S U B T L E T Y This film hasn't got an ounce of this. This was unironically one of the biggest clusterfucks I've ever watched. Not one single aspect of this film works.


The acting. Holy shit the acting. The guy who plays James is the worst actor ever put to screen. You could take a Prisoner of War in Saudi Arabia, force him under torture to make it look like he was fine in front of a camera, and he would still be a better actor than this kid. He has no charisma, no change in intonation, no desire to try harder. His character is horrible and completely unlikable. He's a nerd who embarrassed his crush, threatened to tell the internet his sister has an STD (an actual crime), and is forcing his roommate (the roommate who's gonna help him get to MIT) to make him breakfast and tea. Also, why is he not first billing? I guess the film needed a big name for top billing so Noah Centineo had to lead. Speaking of...


The supporting characters. James' sister is the most deplorable character ever put to screen and there are videos of beheadings on YouTube. Noah Centineo is the most basic pretty-boy character and it's just boring. James' teacher is so fucking retarded it actually hurts. She doesn't pick up on the fact that Noah Centineo couldn't have possibly made the app. She also exempts him from a test because he's "building an app". Of course he's building an app, they're in a computer science class; plus, if he's building an app, he should fucking ace it. Shouldn't she also realise Noah Centineo is a complete dunce in class? Who cares? Noah Centineo's mates are the worst pieces of shit I have ever seen. They have no comedic value, they are annoying and rude and deserve to suffer in hell alongside Hitler and Mao. James' family are dysfunctional to the point of mind-numbing pain.


The writing. This is *deep breath* the worst script I have ever had the utter misfortune of hearing. Not one single line of dialogue sounds like a real person. I can't remember specifics, but each time someone spoke, I felt a new tumour growing inside me. It doesn't help that the writer, producer and director is one person who happens to be over sixty years old. Damn, who'd've thought that someone who's starting to reach the deadline of their life insurance plan writes one of the worst teen """""""""""""comedies""""""""""""" ever put on this earth (emphasis on the "_"). Speaking of...


The directing. This looks like if a TV company got a bit too much money and didn't know how to use it. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia in its first few seasons had a budget of barely nothing and it still looks better than this. Everything is over-saturated. The zooms are unnecessary and distracting. The lens flares are sickening. The camera focus is shoddy and uninterested. The cinematography is non-existent. The sound quality was beaten with a tire iron in a back alley and had pineapple shoved down its throat. If I can hear the echo of your characters speaking, you've done a poor job.


The story. It makes no sense. An app that was just made would not be talked about so soon and so widely. It took months for Facebook to reach outside of Zuckerberg's uni, it took Noah Centineo like three days. How can James not afford MIT when his grandparents live in a gold-plated mansion? How did James manage to shut down every single dating app available? He doesn't have access to them, he wouldn't be able to. Why is his identity being shared on the radio and news? NOBODY CARES! Why does this film focus on shit that doesn't matter? Like James' mum. James shuts down all the apps so that his mum doesn't hook up with people. I DON'T CARE! Just tell her not to use the app. Don't shut down every dating app in existence.


The music. Just terrible. Came on randomly in the middle of scenes and never really fit the tone.


In conclusion, watch this movie so you can understand what it's like in those few seconds when a guillotine is passing through your neck and you can still feel pain. That is this film. That is what this film feels like.

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These films are trash, obviously. But what makes them worse is that you can't get a kick out of them. With Batman & Robin, you can enjoy the fact that it is one of the worst pieces of mess put to screen. With these hunk o' shits, you can't. You can only sit through the pain and hope that they use a cheap sex ploy to keep you interested (which sadly isn't even enough for some of these creations).

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