• Pablo Lario

Who's The Definitive A**Hole Of Film History? #1: Sheev Palpatine VS Agent Smith



Welcome, welcome everyone! Welcome to the best, but worst tournament of all time: Who's The Definitive A**hole of Film History? Today, we have our first contestants. On one corner, with a height of 1.73 meters and a weight of 75 kilograms, the man of the shadows, the leader of the dark side, and as many know him for "the sidekick of the strongest being, Jar Jar Binks": Sheev Palpatine a.k.a Darth Sidious.


And, on the other corner, one of the most annoying, iconic and evil characters of film history: With a height of 1.88 meters, and unknown weight (personal reasons), the master of hacking, Kung Fu, body possession "without consent", Neo's archenemy Numero Uno, and man who knows "how to wear awesome glasses"; Agent... SMIIITTTHHH!


With everyone already presented, let's begin the first round of "Who's The Definitive A**hole of Film History?" and see who of these two iconic characters is the biggest a**hole of the two. 3, 2, 1... START!


So, firstly, why is Palpatine the definitive a**hole in here?


Clearly, Palpatine is the better villain in movies by quite far distance. The man enslaved an entire galaxy on his own! It's that not impressive enough?


If that hasn't convinced you of how much of an a**hole he can be to you, me, and an entire galaxy, the guy with the dark cape and wrinkles on his face toppled a regime which stood for a thousand generations just so he could become "The Emperor", the master of society itself. He destroyed the Jedi (Yep! The good guys) while sitting directly under their noses with them having no knowledge of what was to transpire until it was far too late. That's a genius a**hole right there.


Furthermore, Jar Jar Binks' dark apprentice was able to turn "The Chosen One" (Neo?), Anakin Skywalker a.k.a the Star Wars analogy of Jesus, to the infamous Dark Side. That's something not even Lucifer could achieve in the Bible.


Palpatine was able to trick everyone into thinking he was the good old politician man (Classic!) and won the popular accord of the people and kept it long enough that by the time people realised what had happened, it was far too late to do anything about it. He used people as tools, manipulated whole planets, and kept powerful Sith like Dooku, Vader (Anakin if anyone didn't know... I still don't understand why you wouldn't know), Darth "Spiky Hair" Maul, and even his former master Plagueis under his thumb (Wait! It wasn't Jar Jar's apprentice after all!?).


To paraphrase something he said in Return of the Jedi, “Everything has proceeded as I have forseen.” Indeed, it did, up until the very end when Vader had his little redemption arc (Spoiler: That didn't go as planned... I guess). Still, nobody's a better, smarter, more evil manipulator than Palpatine. Sure, Adolf Hitler, Mussolini, and Josef Stalin were brutal dictators, but... Could any of them take on four Jedi at once, proclaim to be the Senate, and keep Darth Vader as their personal "foot massage" slave? I don't think so.


That's why Palpatine could be considered the worst a**hole of film history: He was not only a uniquely brutal dictator, but was able to personally make his opponents suffer unlike more conventional dictators who had to rely on other, less efficient means of justice. So, if any of you folks are looking for the ultimate a**hole, Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine a.k.a “The Senate” a.k.a "Not Jar Jar Binks' apprentice anymore" he's certainly your guy.


But, now, it's the time to see if he's actually the worst, but best a**hole in here (Agent Smith doesn't think so). So, why could Agent Smith be 3000 times more of an a**hole than good old Sheev?


When the Matrix was created, it decided to create certain programs that would protect it from any intruder. In this way, and after several failed tests, the machines created the "Agents" program. Fast, strong, agile and experts in all kinds of weapons and martial arts, these special agents were created to eliminate all resistance or traces of rebels in the Matrix (Where is this leading to? Be patient!).


Between these "super" agents, there was a leader, Agent Smith. During the famous trilogy, Agent Smith was a pain in the a** and a complete a**hole for Neo and the rest of rebellious followers of Morpheus. Faster, stronger, more agile and more deadly than any other agent, Smith developed a certain independence from the original program that created him and intended, above all, to leave the Matrix. However, the appearance of the Chosen One (Anakin?), Neo, stopped his holiday plans to destroy Neo. Why? Who knows...


The guy was a strong a**hole before, but thanks to being killed by Neo the first time (He dies more than once!?), Smith re-appears as an independent program of the Matrix system, like a virus, capable of multiplying and cloning itself, thanks to the involuntary help of its victims. Meh! He's a master in hand-to-hand combat? That's... AWESOME! So, what's better than one a**hole? 1000 a**holes fighting Neo, the "breathtaking" main guy, Kung Fu style. While Neo is taking care of other "irrelevant" matters, Smith had practically infected the entire Matrix (Is that equivalent to conquering an entire galaxy?). That's why Neo fights one more time with the agent, who successfully manages to clone The Chosen One... until he realises that... IT'S A TRAP! Same as Sheev, Smith dies. I guess that's the fate of evil a**holes in movies after all.

Even if he dies, Agent Smith is for many the perfect villain and the best character of "The Matrix". Needless to say, he is the only good thing about the sequels. Clearly, Hugo Weaving did a good job giving life to this a**hole. His rage, alongside with that cold temper he maintained at all times, made it hard to see the limits between machine and human being that Smith seemed to possess. As I said, one of the best villains in the history of cinema, so, it hurts me that he will not appear in more movies... Unless Disney decides to buy the rights of Matrix and do some kind of reboot series with him, just like they did with Loki, even Hawkeye.


So now, after a thought contested clash, the winner of this first round is... YOU DECIDE! (HA, HA! YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY, RIGHT!?) JK! The winner has already been chosen (By me and the editor of this fabulous website). And the winner is...


SHEEV PALPATINE!


(Having Darth Vader as a personal "foot massage" slave was clearly the decisive thing we needed to finally vote for "Mr. Senate")


And, that's all folks! Stay tuned for next week, where two new a**holes will be facing in the arena of desolation and doom, fighting to be the definitive a**hole and face Palpatine and his "foot massage" slave in the next round. Who will they be? YOU DECIDE! (JK! They've already been chosen)

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